... or can anybody else relate to these two memes? My entrepreneur days started as a kid. Whenever I wanted or needed money, I made it happen. I would walk dogs, do extra chores around the house, wash cars, rake yards, and run lemonade stands. My hustle kept a nice stash in my room or in my account. So I was use to always having money or at least having easy access to making more money. Then I graduated college and I don't know what happened but I am CONVINCED! I stepped into some kind of alternate universe. It seems like every time I earn a penny, it gets snatched by some greedy bill. If I blink more than two times at a new deposit it disappears into thin air. Even if God blesses me with extra, these vultures society calls bills seem to increase and take that extra before I can even be excited.
Unfortunately, thats exactly what happened this week. God came through with a lot of extra this week, more than even I thought I needed. I was so excited because I thought it was more than enough to get through the foreseeable extra bills I had this month. I set a budget that was going to give me a nice fluffy cushion even after all my extra expenses. I actually had the audacity to allow myself to breathe and relax over my financial situation and then WHAM!! I ended up having to pay off a huge bill, I wasn't expecting to have to pay, that sucked up my cushion and then some. Even though I knew this was something God wanted me to pay for, I was salty because for once I just wanted to relax on my fluffy cushion.
I believe in being honest and raw with God about how I feel about some of His instructions, so I let Him have it. I said, "Look fam, I know you're God. I know that you said you were going to replenish my stash. I know, since it was your idea to pay this off knowing full well I have other things I need to pay for this week, I know you're going to provide for the other bills some other way. But I am tired of constantly getting down to my last and trying to figure out how I'm going to pay for stuff. I'm tired of having to fight with myself to not worry about where my "next" is going to come from because then it makes me feel guilty for not having enough faith to not break down or get frustrated when I start lacking. I'm tired of feeling bad about asking people for help even though they are happy to help. You didn't build me to be borderline broke all the time and you keep telling me how successful I'm going to be one day. I know we are a long way from that one day, but I'm tired of living like this and feeling guilty all the time."
After I got my frustration out, I pretty much let it go because I know He knows I have things I need to pay for, so I really do expect Him to come through some kind of way. The day continued and my friend and I hit the pool. While I was in the pool, I let my weight drop, trying to almost sit on the pool floor. The only thing was, my body kept trying to float. No matter what position I was in when I let my weight go, my head would find its way to the surface. I'd even start to turn, like my body was naturally trying to put itself in the best position to have access to air. And ooooooohhh here comes God with his response to my frustration:
"You're not meant to drown. You're meant to float and drift peacefully. Yes there is a time when I want you to swim and get yourself where you need to be but there is also a time to be still and let me keep you a float. Yes, I plan on giving you what you want so you can live the life I promised you, but right now I'm giving you what you need to survive. Let go, and let me help you float easily."
Can you say... Mind. Blown?? He has such a poetic way of getting his point across but He was right. And when I really thought about it, I really don't want for anything. Sure I have to wait a lot longer for the things that I want, but I have yet to miss a meal or rent. I do always ended up with enough money to cover my supplies or show fees. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I actually live better than most people in my situation because God does send a lot of help. I just have to work through the guilty pride that makes me feel bad for constantly having to ask for help.
So! I say all this too say...If you're in a season where you feel like your drowning, try being still. It's in your stillness that allows God to keep you afloat.