Now see normally when you get a promotion your boss calls you into his office, sits you down, tells you how much of an amazing job you're doing and promotes you. I would have LOVED for that to have been how God decided to promote me to the next level of my spiritual journey. But oh no, instead, something like an alarm went off in heaven and the next thing I know I'm fighting for my sanity for a year.
2017 was by far the hardest year of my life. God decided it was time for me to learn about my gifting and start walking in my purpose. Instead of an increase in my check, I got a substantial increase in tests. One tests, after another, after another to the point where I felt like I was drowning and literally losing my mind. I was hearing voices, seeing visions of stuff that scared me, having anxiety attacks, barely sleeping and surrounded by chaos and confusion. Before, during, and after every attack of the enemy, I mean test of God, I would look up at God and wave my hands like:
Me: Um sir! Do you see this foolilary I'm dealing with?
God: Yep. Sure do.
Me: So then why is all this chaos and confusion still here? I pray, cry and beg every other night for you to bring me peace and help me understand what I'm going through. I sit still. I spend hours trying to talk to you daily. I try to be obedient even though half the time I can't tell what it is you want from me because of all these dag on voices. I've been on my knees. I have fasted and you know how much I love food. I even went back to church hoping I could get some help there, and you know how I feel about church. Why haven't you alleviated any of my pain? I did everything I was supposed to do. Why won't you stop the attacks?
God: Because I sent them.
Me: How could you have sent them? You are not the author of chaos or confusion.
God: No I am not, but I will send or allow attacks on your life when I am trying to teach you something about yourself, your anger or un-forgiveness or your attitude towards something. I use them to shed light on your generational curses and where you need growth. In this case, I am primarily trying to teach you how to discern my voice from the enemy's and show you what its like for thousands of other people who suffer through this very thing but don't know they don't have to live with this torment. I need you to empathize with those you are called to so you can show them how to get free.
Now doesn't that sound lovely?? And it was, for about two seconds before my frustration with my circumstances and God set back in, no matter how much he reinforced and elaborated on this. Sometimes I felt like God was leaving me hanging and I always felt like He was taking everything from me. The most precious thing was my hope. I can survive anything as long as I have hope, but as the days, weeks and months went by and my situations continued to get worse, I was losing every bit of the hope I had. It didn't just feel like there was no light at the end of the tunnel, it felt like the tunnel had collapsed and I was running out of oxygen. For 12 months straight, I was low as I could possibly get, and yet, despite it all, I refused to bail out on God.
The real beauty in that revelation is that even though I was losing all my hope, knowing that it was God who was intentionally allowing all this to happen to me to grow me into my purpose is what kept me anchored to Him. Mostly because I knew if He was the one who was allowing it, then he would be the one to shut it down. The dozens of revelations that He gave me through out the year was His way of giving me His perspective on the situations I was going through to keep me in it. And trust me when I say, you can survive anything when you know there is a purpose behind it and that you aren't just going through it for no reason.
Perspective is everything. You see a 9. He's sees a 6. You see an attack. God sees a growth opportunity. You see a boss who is 2 seconds and one more condescending comment away from a smooooooth cuss out. God sees a test. You see your bills not getting paid on time. God sees a chance for you to trust him to take care of you. You see a lost job. God sees a closed door so He can give you a better job where you'll finally be appreciated. You see a hard break up. God sees a release from the pain and burden you know this relationship has been. And knowing God, He was probably like "FINALLY!!! Now that we done got that out the way, I can send the husband or wife that I handcrafted for you myself." lol So just remember at the heart of the torment is the test. At the heart of the test is the purpose!