God hit me with a major! reality check. My entire life I blamed my biological dad for all of my psychological issues. The more I began to understand just how truly damaged I was, the more I blamed him. I mean surely his using my life as a revolving door (or so I use to call it), picking and choosing when to deal with me, not fighting for me or protecting me, not making me a priority, dismissing me every time I wanted to speak my mind, bailing out after an argument, not being the kind of dad I needed him to be...Surely all that warrants him being blamed for the plethora of issues I had right? Right??
God: Wrong. Let me give you my perspective. At the time, he wasn't ready or capable of being the kind of father you needed at the time. And for that I separated you two to spare you from the pain of that. He was not the only source of your rejection and abandonment, here is a list of everyone else who fueled that anger. Let me show you the generational curses that have plagued not only your life but his. You're pissed off because he silenced you. I called you to speak. Naturally that made the enemy want to silence your voice using the only other person who's opinions mattered as much as your mom's. Pay closer attention to how this relationship and this relationship went. Now do you see how they also contributed to silencing your voice. You think you struggle with your value because he wasn't there for you? I have called you to a greatness you can't even imagine. The enemy needed to break your belief in yourself so that you would not pursue the call on your life. You blame your father for it all, but in reality and spiritually, he was just the first one to cause the things you struggle with, but the enemy drove that thorn as deep as he could go with so many other relationships, friendships, and situations. And you know what the real kicker is?? I allowed it all to happen to you.
Me: Pause. You did what?
God: Yes. I let it all happen. Before you catch a fit, think about who you are now. Think about how much you now want to help others heal from their past. Think about the books you want to write, and the programs you want to start. Think about your natural instinct to encourage others when life (the enemy) tries to attack their value. Think about how mentally and spiritual strong you became. Queen of logistics, do you honestly think you would be who you are now, want to accomplish all you want to accomplish now, if you had not gone through all those hardships?
Me: No. Not at all actually. Wow this whole time I thought it was all my dad, but it really wasn't that simple was it?
God: No. And if we are being frank, I'll even show you how some of your actions contributed to yals broken relationship.
God: The bottom line is that all that happened to you wasn't really the fault of him or anyone else who's hurt you. Not saying that it diminishes what you've gone through. Or that any of it was okay. I just want to show you that your trauma and pain is much bigger than one or a group of people. Before you were born I had a vision of all I wanted you to accomplish. The moment you were born the blueprint of your purpose was made public for both sides to see. The trauma of your life is a direct result of the enemy trying to deter you from your purpose. But the joke is really on him because I used all he tried to do to break you, to build you in to the Warrior you're becoming.
For more of my conversations with God, visit: https://www.thecreativevessel.com/conversations-with-god
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