20x24 spray paint on canvas
Original: Available. Prints: Click here
When I originally began painting this piece, I wanted to stop at the colorful background, but stopping there didn't feel right. Once I added the black layer on top, God said, "This is how you view me. You have a "Tainted" view of me.
I have never been shy about the fact that the relationships I had with both my biological dad and my other dad were laced with conflict, inconsistency and trauma. The side effect was a serious struggle with the concept of a father and an eventual hatred for the word altogether. When I began the intimate portion of my relationship with God, I flat out told him He could be anything to me but Dad. I did not, under any circumstance, want him associated with a word that had caused me so much pain. In all honesty, I didn't see anything wrong with that. God was great at being my therapist, my friend, my hype man, and my corrector. I really didn't see a need to place him in the role of father. Until I painted this painting.
I knew I was struggling with the concept of father. I didn't know I was struggling with the concept of God. It took him some time after I'd finished this piece, but eventually he showed me just how absolutely terrified I was of him. That I was afraid I was to be human and make mistakes. He showed me I had absolutely no idea how to be a daughter, because I'd been operating as a parent from a very young age. It wasn't until he showed me how traumatized I was across the bored, did I start to understand how much that trauma was affecting my perception of him and how his character really is. He eventually took it so far as to show me, that the trauma and my tainted view of him was not just the result of my strenuous relationship with both of my dads, it was also caused by my relationship with my mom, several other family members as well as several of the people who'd come and gone in my life.
It's easy to read my story and think well it was only affecting your relationship with God, thats not so bad, especially if your beliefs are not the same as mine. But the picture is so much bigger than just God. It wasn't until I got to God, did I realize how the trauma of my past was tainting my current relationships with other people as well. Trauma is apart of most people's stories but it doesn't have to rule and corrode the future of that story. I was able to get healed simply by talking to God all the time and trusting him to show me where my trauma points are and help me understand them so I could get healed of them. My healing also came from getting to know the true character of God. So often, our relationships with others give us a tainted frame work for who God is and then the other people's perceptions of God reinforce that framework. I have had the immense pleasure of getting to know God for myself and in doing so, he showed me how he really was, spending a great of amount of time debunking a lot of the dictator like myths surrounding his personality. I can't speak to what your healing journey will be like, whether its with God or through therapy or both, but I urge you to invest in and save your future. The trauma's of the past don't have to torment and taint your future.